One of my new favorite hobbies is reading the guarantees on Walmart’s Great Value brand food labels. Sometime recently they’ve redesigned their packaging to be white, blue, and simplistic, but with each item they include a guarantee of what they’re food will be. Usually the guarantees seem to be pretty safe. For instance, did you know that they guarantee trail mix to be fruity and nutty?

Thank you, Walmart, for guaranteeing that my fruit and nut trail mix is, indeed, fruity and nutty. Also, breadcrumbs are guaranteed to be crunchy and crumbly.

But some of the guarantees are a little less obvious, like distilled white vinegar:

Pure. Robust. Guaranteed. And I think one of my favorites is the guarantee on cream of chicken soup:

Versatile. Creamy. Isn’t that just perfect? I want to know whose awesome job it is to pick out just two adjectives to describe each and every Great Value food item. And maybe this could be a new dare/prank activity: walk into Walmart and try to complain that your cream of chicken soup isn’t versatile enough for you. See what they do.